iNeed

I've probably said this before, because it's true: this (=living/working here) is the most selfish thing I've done in recent human history.

As a person I accept and admit it, but I've come to thinking lately whether “we” as a group are self-centered. It's hard to tell if it's me only, or I hang out with people who are similar to me in this regard, but sometimes I notice that I use this life, one I chose, and the conditions of it, as an excuse to make it all about myself.

As if living here - and the more time I spend here the more I know it's actually quite nice, as far as peacekeeping missions and humanitarian life go – would justify wanting all the fancy comfortable things my superficial self probably always would want. I need to go on holidays, I need to stay in a nice hotel with a pool, I need a drink (or five), I need to party it out, I need to be by myself, I need to get laid, I need to eat sushi, I need a massage, I need to binge-watch ER, I need to be in pyjamas all day.

But do I, really?

Clearly, most of the above are rather cases of “want” than they really are of “need”. Of course everybody would want that. And in all fairness, I would not pretend I don't want them in the other life either, I would get what I can, and I would say, if ever questioned (mainly by my own not-so-superficial self): “because I can”.

But the difference is, here I don't have to justify. I dramatically say “I need a pool, a book, and two days of not talking to anybody”, and it's okay. Some may ask how long it's been since my last holidays, or if it's been busy at work, but no further explanation is required.

And I'm not talking about traumatising experiences I need to recover from. I'm probably the only person who never ever leaves the office, and if I don't read or listen to the news, I can be perfectly ignorant in my little bubble of work-home-party-recover-repeat routine. This may as well be a post-war conflict zone, but I can reduce my troubles to “we're out of tonic” and “which part of 'please follow the attached instructions' did you not understand”. Yes, my hair is mess, even more so in the dry season, and I haven't been able to wear contact lenses for the past three days, but if I think about those objectively, I know they are annoyances but not major stress factors.

On the other hand, I've lived in a very safe, comfortable, rich, middle-class posh environment, where hair was healthy and electricity was permanent and yet, I have seen a little too many burnouts. Although I'm working on overcoming it, I think I still live by the rule that until I cry every day, or feel the urge to, it's not stress. It may be a little too much work and not enough sleep, but oh it's not stress. It's just life.

It would have sounded ridiculous and would have resulted in a few frowns in the other life if I pulled a dramatic “I need to get out of here” just as I do nowadays. Why would you need a break from your perfectly channeled routine life? Why would you acknowledge that sometimes your work gets on your nerves or simply exhausts you and all you need is a pool, a book, and two days of not talking to anybody? (Oh wait, have I said this before?) Why would you admit that something is missing, and especially, why would you admit that you're trying to substitute it with the closest thing available?

In that regard, it's actually not that bad to put ourselves first so often. It's a different way and level of awareness of our own needs, just as the awareness and sense of risk and danger is different here. You need to know when you need to get out, and I've always tried to train(? convince?) the people I work with to pay attention to when that point comes, because nobody is going to tell them they look like they need a break (I sometimes greet people with a friendly “you look awful”, but that's just my caring personality). At least, between the volcano and the lake, you are permanently monitoring your own needs. And voicing them.

On that note, I'm gonna get some cheese nans. I love my cheese nans.